Things have been tougher than normal these past several months (really, 2015 has been the roughest year yet, overall, as far as physical symptoms go and as far as the emotional/spiritual aspect of this journey is concerned). I've never given up hope that God is fighting for me and will deliver me from these diseases, but the longer I fight, the harder it is to really feel that truth, and I think that's a normal human reaction, and I think God understands when we feel worn down and defeated (like the apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, "I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed"). No, this life isn't difficult at all compared to some journeys we learn about via God's word (there are many, but Job comes to mind), but that doesn't mean it's easy in the context of today's world. I was in an emotionally down place when I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I believe it's vital to share things that showcase true emotions as well as things that are strictly centered on the positives.
I live in a free world
I live in a free world, but it's not what you think.
It's nothing to do with the country I live in,
Nor the fact I can speak my mind,
Wear whatever I want,
Or own a gun if I so choose.
My free world defies common perceptions,
Established conventions are left at the door
Of my free world.
Disproving all beliefs I held before,
Of what it means to be free and what it means to be in the world.
I really should say I live in a world free.
It's not by choice I live in a world free.
It was a world forced upon me years before I knew of its existence.
It's a world free of gluten and dairy and sugar and yeast and of course those colorful pieces of pure sugar--called candy--and colored dyes I loved to eat as a child (and an adult)--
The rest of that list is far too exhaustive to write.
It's a world free of chemicals and toxic garbage that fills our modern day "free world."
It's a world free of fistfuls of prescription medications that do nothing to help and do a subpar job at even masking the symptoms they're intended to eliminate.
Which sounds all well and healthy and good.
Until you realize I live in a world free of joy,
A world free of presentable hair and matching clothes,
(Because who cares what you look like when your biggest accomplishment is spending a few hours out of bed and on your living room couch?)
A world free of energy and brain function and basic human abilities.
A world free of walking, writing, reading, and driving,
And going ice skating whenever I want,
just because I can.
A world free of human interaction and ventures outside my home or bed,
A world free of health and a world free of starting a family.
(The one thing my husband longs for most)
A world free of watching my husband play in the praise band on Sunday mornings and attending small group meetings mid-week.
I live in a world free of all of this and so much more,
But most of all I live in a world free of me--
Which is what reminds me I don't live in a free world at all.
I just live in a world free.
Copyright Becca Doss, 2014
I intend to eventually gather my poems (old and new, Lyme-related and non-Lyme-related, but all from my heart and inspired by my life experiences) and include them here, where they can be read. Stay tuned!