(Written August 19, 2013. Just now getting around to sharing it. This short poem was intended to convey the 24/7 headache pain that has been a part of my life for over 2 years. I'd venture to say many others who are dealing with chronic Lyme & Co's can totally understand the imagery. Sharing it because the headache is one symptom that God hasn't seen fit to remove...yet)
Untitled short poem
My brain is a prisoner inside a room with white white walls and nothing but an imaginary jackhammer-colored crayon.
Which coincidentally is the only thing it needs to embark on its quest of escape from its cell, even when the escape only ends up being noise and noise and noise and never results in freedom.
Written 1/15/2014 for my wonderful husband, Roger. Just now getting around to sharing it because it got lost among the many notes I have saved on my phone.
The blessing most dear
Every so often I look at a picture of you
and think, "how lucky I am"
Often a memory from years past
Laughter and life in our eyes we both wish could've lasted.
But God had other plans for us outside of what we knew back then--
We certainly didn't ask for this journey,
and often pray it will soon end.
Through trials of every possible kind,
mental, financial, physical, loss,
There's one thing that always holds true,
Together, these bridges we cross.
Some people assume hard things get easier
the more they show their face.
But we know different--they don't become easier--
they're just more commonplace.
But the commonplace things that not everyone sees,
are treasures I hold very dear.
How your eyes smile more than your mouth when you're looking at me--
In those moments, my worries are cleared.
And the silent way in which you go about your day
doing what has to be done--
You always make time to say to me
something purely intended for fun.
The way you talk to our cats and dog,
not realizing I'm listening in--
Even in little actions like this,
I'm reminded that daily I win.
I win because even through all the struggles
of the seemingly immeasurable kind,
We're traveling this journey of life hand-in-hand,
and I'm so glad you chose to take mine.
No one else could I imagine beside me
each and every day.
And I hope there have also been times when I have
helped you find your way.
This thing we signed up for, there's no passing Go
to quickly skip over the bad.
But once we're victorious over these battles,
just think of the stories we'll have!
And someday down the road, could be later or sooner,
whenever God deems it fit--
There's no doubt in my mind we will live and embrace
all the fun and excitement we've missed!
Because me being sick doesn't define our lives,
even though it oft feels that way.
But we will get the life we once had back again--
I truly can't wait for that day!
The thing I most want to say to you, though,
the reason I've written this here,
is that in the middle of what looks a mess,
God makes my every blessing clear--
And the best of the best of all of the blessings is knowing you are with me here.
And that's the one blessing of all of the blessings I will always hold most dear.
Copyright Becca Doss 2014
Things have been tougher than normal these past several months (really, 2015 has been the roughest year yet, overall, as far as physical symptoms go and as far as the emotional/spiritual aspect of this journey is concerned). I've never given up hope that God is fighting for me and will deliver me from these diseases, but the longer I fight, the harder it is to really feel that truth, and I think that's a normal human reaction, and I think God understands when we feel worn down and defeated (like the apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, "I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed"). No, this life isn't difficult at all compared to some journeys we learn about via God's word (there are many, but Job comes to mind), but that doesn't mean it's easy in the context of today's world. I was in an emotionally down place when I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I believe it's vital to share things that showcase true emotions as well as things that are strictly centered on the positives.
I live in a free world
I live in a free world, but it's not what you think.
It's nothing to do with the country I live in,
Nor the fact I can speak my mind,
Wear whatever I want,
Or own a gun if I so choose.
My free world defies common perceptions,
Established conventions are left at the door
Of my free world.
Disproving all beliefs I held before,
Of what it means to be free and what it means to be in the world.
I really should say I live in a world free.
It's not by choice I live in a world free.
It was a world forced upon me years before I knew of its existence.
It's a world free of gluten and dairy and sugar and yeast and of course those colorful pieces of pure sugar--called candy--and colored dyes I loved to eat as a child (and an adult)--
The rest of that list is far too exhaustive to write.
It's a world free of chemicals and toxic garbage that fills our modern day "free world."
It's a world free of fistfuls of prescription medications that do nothing to help and do a subpar job at even masking the symptoms they're intended to eliminate.
Which sounds all well and healthy and good.
Until you realize I live in a world free of joy,
A world free of presentable hair and matching clothes,
(Because who cares what you look like when your biggest accomplishment is spending a few hours out of bed and on your living room couch?)
A world free of energy and brain function and basic human abilities.
A world free of walking, writing, reading, and driving,
And going ice skating whenever I want,
just because I can.
A world free of human interaction and ventures outside my home or bed,
A world free of health and a world free of starting a family.
(The one thing my husband longs for most)
A world free of watching my husband play in the praise band on Sunday mornings and attending small group meetings mid-week.
I live in a world free of all of this and so much more,
But most of all I live in a world free of me--
Which is what reminds me I don't live in a free world at all.
I just live in a world free.
Copyright Becca Doss, 2014
I intend to eventually gather my poems (old and new, Lyme-related and non-Lyme-related, but all from my heart and inspired by my life experiences) and include them here, where they can be read. Stay tuned!