Rediscovering your passions

Wow, what a broad topic to broach! Don’t worry, I’m not about to get overly-philosophical about how we have to search within ourselves and find the one thing we’re so passionate about we just know we’re going to change the world. No, that’s not what I’m writing about today.

But a disclaimer before I move forward:
Please know that I do believe that each and every one of us has something deep within ourselves (and sometimes we don’t even know what it is) that will allow us to impact the world in a way that it never would be impacted if not for us–so I’m not saying to ignore that notion–but rather, it’s just a topic that deserves its own post and dissection and that’s not my objective today.

Chronic illness has an uncanny knack for robbing you of things you didn’t realize were able to be stolen, by means you didn’t realize were able to be twisted into thievery. Yes, it often robs you financially, socially, and physically, but these are at least semi-tangible effects: your bank account dwindles and debt rises, you aren’t able to go out and enjoy the things you used to, and you forget what it’s like to have a day without one or more (usually more) types of pain.

But it also robs you mentally, and that’s less tangible because it often happens gradually. For instance, a year ago, before we knew that what we now know is Lyme & Co, this illness forced me to leave my job and give up all of my normal activities. At first, I was bummed, sure, but I kept thinking it would be a temporary circumstance of the short variety, so I didn’t get completely depressed about not being able to drive, work, walk without a cane/walker/wheelchair, give public speaking presentations, etc. But as time wore on, even though I didn’t consciously dwell on these things all day, every day, the list of things I couldn’t do grew (and still grows) longer, as did the amount of time I had been unable to do them, and my mood unconsciously started shifting. Instead of daily remaining in the mindset that I’m having a temporary hardship and can find something in each day to truly get excited about and lift my spirits to a point where I'm not focused on the illness and my limitations, I noticed that my mindset seemed to be more of the “life is hard, this isn’t fair, hopefully sometime this month something will bring a smile, however small to my face, but if it doesn’t happen that’s just life” variety.

And. That. Is. So. Wrong.

If you know me personally, or have followed any of the blogs I’ve had through the years, you know I’m a huge fan of acknowledging my blessings–and that I believe no matter our circumstance, there are blessings to be found and we can be content (examples here, here, and here). But again, that’s not exactly the scope of today’s writing.

Today, I want to explore just how vital it is to our mental/emotional (and thereby physical) well-being to rediscover that one thing that, no matter what’s going on, is able to take our minds off any less than ideal circumstances and flood our minds and hearts with happiness and peace and comfort. I guarantee you there is something out there that can do this for you, even if you’re not sure what it is. The thing is, before a chronic illness goes behind bars to serve its time in jail for stealing [passion X] from us, it hides our passion in a remote, almost-impossible-to-find place, so it can take some time before we’re reunited. And sometimes our passion finds us before we find it. Which is what happened to me.

Last weekend, I was hard-pressed to find a moment where I was able to get out of bed. With the exception of Saturday evening for a few hours, I didn’t talk to anyone except my husband, I barely left our bedroom, I just couldn’t do much of anything. But I DID watch the U.S. National Figure Skating Championships. It’s no secret I’m a huge figure skating fan–both of watching it and of skating myself–and it’s also no secret that even though I still enjoy watching it any time I can, I haven’t felt the same level of magic in watching since Michelle Kwan had to leave competition. That’s just how it is. But I still love watching it. As I watched Nationals last weekend, sometime during the ladies free skate, I noticed that even though I had been having a rough weekend, when I was watching the competition I wasn’t thinking about Lyme & co at all and my mood literally was lifted to a significant degree–I felt “lighter” in the sense that I didn’t feel weighed down by all the things that are usually constant worries. It was wonderful!

So a couple nights ago (a day throughout which I had been confined to bed) I had an idea. Courtesy of DirecTV, we can search YouTube through our satellite and watch videos on our TV. And I searched for the best of the best videos on YouTube–keywords: MICHELLE KWAN. And I watched, and I watched, and I watched. I watched the 1998 Nationals, I watched 2003 Worlds (you have never seen someone experience true joy until you've seen this kiss-and-cry segment after the free skate!), I watched a piece she did for Fox Sports 1 earlier this week.

And I watched the ceremony from last week where she was inducted into the World Figure Skating Hall of Fame.

Of course, during the induction, they showed a montage of some of the most memorable Michelle moments. And I sat there and cried like a baby. I mean, tears were streaming down my face, I was crying so hard I was shaking….and it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e. It was awesome because in that moment, I wasn’t crying because I was sad or lonely or felt hopeless, but I was so incredibly overcome with happiness and warmth that I let the feelings engulf me as I lived in that moment. In that moment, I wasn’t a person with a chronic illness, I wasn’t “the girl with Lyme”, and I wasn’t the person that has to frequently cancel plans. I was just BECCA. I was Becca, and I was getting in touch with the person I was–I AM–before illness took over my life. And while something as “trivial” as watching videos like this may seem, it reconnected my mind to the happiness I felt throughout my middle school/high school/college years every time I would watch “my girl” (that's the phrase my great aunt used every time we'd talk on the phone after watching a competition in our respective houses--"Becca, didn't you love seeing our girl out there tonight?"--so I still use the terminology today as a way to stay connected to her after her passing, I guess). I loved every second of it.

You might say I was rediscovering my passion.

I encourage all of you to tune in to your feelings, particularly notice if there are times you feel less bogged down, and explore whether or not your circumstances during a time when your mood is lighter can be connected to a passion that’s been stolen from you by your illness. Because realizing there are ways I can get back to that place of overwhelming happiness, if even for just a short time, was the best discovery I’ve made in a long while.

1998 Nationals

Fox Sports 1 coverage

The happiest night of my life until the night I got engaged–and then until the night I got married. May 24, 2002, 10:47pm–I was in my “awkward stage” and I had been crying but still one of my favorite pictures.

God bless,

Becca