I wanted to share something I wrote in my journal as I was having a particularly rough night a few nights back. A little context: this was the night of December 26/27 and after pushing myself past my limit of spoons, my trigeminal neuralgia had started to flare worse than it has in months (but I don't regret a single second of the pushing myself that I did--memories with family are priceless and I'd do it all again tenfold if I could). If you've read my posts mentioning TN before, you know that I would gladly deal with any other pain or symptom every day than to have this stabbing, debilitating pain in my eye/ear/jaw/head. It makes it impossible to do anything--not only functional things, but something as "simple" as resting or sleeping--because there is nothing in existence that I've found so far that lessens the pain. So while I was lying wide awake in excruciating pain at 2:15am, I had kind of a strange idea. I immediately reached for my journal and one of the nifty pens Rog got me for Christmas (it has a light on the same end as the tip of the pen, making it possible to write in the dark, which is perfect for me since so many nights I can't tolerate my phone screen yet have that urgent desire to write something down, only to be forced to abandon the task for fear of my wanting to wake Rog up by turning on my lamp), and when Rog asked me what I was doing, I told him I was writing a thank you note. He didn't ask me to elaborate any further, and I later discovered that's because he knew (without having to ask) that I was writing a thank you note to God.
I want to thank You. Thank You for this unrelenting, stabbing eye pain that nothing seems to be able to help. If I didn't have this pain, I wouldn't realize just how wonderful and how much of a blessing my pain-free or less-painful days are.
Thank You for this stabbing headache and jaw pain, because if I didn't have this pain I wouldn't fully understand the gift of a clear head or a jaw that can handle a long conversation with ease.
Thank You for this insomnia, because without it I would never be able to give a good night's sleep the appreciation it deserves, nor would I fully accept that a day full of rest, relaxation, and doing nothing is not only okay, but sometimes needed.
You tell us to "ask and it will be given," so Father, I'm asking You to allow this pain to happen so that I can have these moments of gratitude I likely otherwise would not have. I am not asking You to take it away, but instead that You give me the ability as well as the mindset to view everything--even debilitating pain--as an opportunity to thank You for Your love, goodness, and mercy, as well as a chance to praise You in this storm.
Please help me be a living example of the very concept of praising You in this storm, and please do whatever You know has to be done in order for me to reach and witness to people.
Please prepare me by any means necessary so I can be the most effective witness I can be, and please help me continually to remember that this all has a purpose, and like Beth Moore said,
'The purpose exceeds the pain."
Physical, mental, and spiritual.