All week (so 2 days, since it’s only Monday...even though it also was the case over the weekend), I’ve had a feeling I can only describe as nervous anticipation.
My fatigue being at a high right now, and as unpredictable as ever, I’ve had a lot of time to lie here and think. And stress. And worry. And obsess over every possible outcome we could have at my appointment with Dr. Jemsek on Wednesday.
Will we make our trip safely tomorrow? What if the roads are icy? What if we can’t find parking? What if the hotel smells like air freshener or cleaner? What if I’m told I’m still a long ways off from being able to start treatment? What if we get the go ahead to start the treatment process? We’re not prepared for that yet as far as storage, etc, goes. Will I feel uplifted? Will I feel let down? Why do I have expectations at all?
And the last question makes all the ones before it null and void. Because it’s an all-encompassing question I have no right to ask. I know God has already worked the day out for my good, and knows exactly what will happen, and why. And I have to be okay without knowing ahead of time...something I’m learning more as life goes on.
Also, “me anxious about nothing” is a command straight from the Bible, so I know my rumination on the above questions, and more, is a product of my human nature, and as I type this sentence, I am feeling a metaphorical weight lift off my soul, because I am giving every single worry or care I have to Him. Right now.
Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
He will carry us through our trip to DC tomorrow (with a short pit stop in WV to meet our nephew who was born just a few days ago!), through the appointment on Wednesday, and back home again, all according to His good and perfect will.
As much of a perfectionist as I am, I’m also well aware that my perfectionism can never yield true perfection, so I choose to be joyful and cling to HIS perfection as His will is made known, in HIS time.
That said, we could use some prayers as we travel tomorrow, and for my appointment with Dr. Jemsek on Wednesday. This will be my second in-person appointment, but the first since June (the rest have been via phone), so I’m really praying God just gives us peace and direction.
I’ll update on the appointment as soon as I can, once we see where we are and make some decisions.