Breaking social media conventions by being real, vulnerable, and not wearing a mask.

(Apologies for any typos--please use context to try to figure them out--I don't have the brain power to proofread right now)

I know I've mentioned several times throughout all my posts how draining social media is for me, as well as for anyone who is in a situation where their life has been put on pause and they have no choice but to sit back, watch it go by, and watch others do the things we "should" be able to do, go where we "should" be able to go, attend ecents we "should" be able to attend (I say "should" I'm quotation marks because I hate that word--God's plan doesn't include shoulds, and as hard as it is to always keep in mind His plan is perfect, right, and immutable--and I think the word 'should' would better be eliminated from the English lexicon--it does nothing but instill feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy.).

When fighting a battle with chronic illness/being bedridden or housebound, living in a state of constant pain of all kinds, yet having nothing available that is effective in treating pain or that is compatible with your body to treat aforementioned pain, it's very easy to lose sight of the perfectness of God's plan and start to doubt, no matter how strong you thought your faith was.


The pain scale of someone with a chronic illness/chronic lyme&co-infections, or any form of chronic pain is so drastically different than someone not enduring the above--for instance, my pain may be at a 5 or 6 on my personal 1-10 pain scale, whereas someone not used to pain would probably say "11" when asked the "Can you rate your pain on a scale of 1-10" question...I know this because I've experienced my pain threshold and how much higher it's gotten before I first started dealing with pain).


I wrote that above paragraph to illustrate this point: physical pain varies from person to person, but is always present in those that are fighting it. Sometimes it may be at a "4" on a chronic pain scale, which means possibly being able to shower, smile, act like things are okay despite the pain, some days it's closer to an 8 or 9 (aka debilitating, dark bedroom, in bed, covers over head, unable to move, eat, drink, get to the bathroom yourself, and more), but I doubt you'll ever hear someone who lives with chronic pain say their pain is a 10 because we've learned to live with pain, and many of us can probably pinpoint one specific moment/type of pain we'd consider a 10, so if our pain on any given day isn't that severe, a 10 will not be the answer.


Without making this excessively long (losing steam as I write, too), I wanted to quickly shed light on what it's like to live in my body/brain right now, because I feel like everyone sees me post things that are uplifting (which is q good thing), but no one has any idea what's truly going on beneath the surface. I don't have much energy to compose any new material for this blog post, but I do want to quickly say that God has made is abundantly clear to me that when I am well enough to record, part of my ministry and witness MUST be Christian Hip-Hop. He clearly told me it's not an option, this is something I HAVE to do for Him, not a human desire/want, and I don't care if it ever brings me any glory or financial gain, because it's not something that will be for me, it's ALL for Him, sharing His name and message with whomever will listen. And I know this is one of my callings down the road--He gives me a random 15-minute period where I'm able to type lyrics on my phone that remind me this is something I simply have to do, even as a white girl from eastern Kentucky.


Even on the days when I lie in bed screaming at Him in frustration, asking Him why He's left us when He promised He never would, pleading with Him to either take my pain away or just take me home to live with Him because I'm not strong enough for this, and these days are currently more common than I'd like to admit--these things happen typically at least once a day, sometimes the day is filled with tears and anger and doubt--I told my family I'm no Job. I thought I had strong faith, but I feel like one of Job's friends, doubting instead of clinging to my faith, because right now faith and healing seem like foreign concepts, never to be attained, even though I know better in my heart).


So at the risk of "losing face," I'd much rather share my truth with you and ask you for prayer--not prayer from pain (physical or emotional), but I'm calling on my brothers and sisters in Christ--please pray for my faith to be restored, to be strengthened, to such a degree that my first reaction is to praise Him even in the middle of the worst of the pains I face. Right now I am too broken, too worn, too weak to even pray, so please, family, I covet your specific prayers more than ever. For my faith and Roger's (this is all harder on him than he ever lets on and than you could ever imagine unless you've been through it), and for God to fill our house with His peace and strength because we can't do this on our own.


I want to leave you with lyrics of a track that's going to be on my first project (tentative project title: Made From My Bed Mixtape). I haven't recorded this but it explains the struggles I've been having with faith and it's all explained in the lyrics, which is good because that just requires a copy/paste instead of using energy to type even more.

Tentative title: (Un)yielding Faith)


Verse 1:
Lord, I need you right now in this room, I'm feeling so low.
I feel like this journey is a mission I'm doing solo.
I'd love to say on a scale from 1-10 my faith is off
The charts. But honestly in times like these it feels like it's at zero.
I'm out of gas, out of fuel, out of energy to fight.
My family's tired of feeling they can't do anything right.
But they do more for me than in these lines I could ever write,
I'm relying on them and others to lift me up tonight.
Because this heart of mine is too worn down to even pray,
My broken body's making me say things I thought I'd never say.
So Lord, if today's not the day I'm meant to see your face,
Please send me any sign that everything will be okay.



Hook:
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord.
And if it's not time to deliver me stay with me, Lord.
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord,
'Cause everything's coming hard and fast and it's hurtin' me, Lord


Verse 2:
Lord my faith is fading, and it is fading fast,
When I take the time to look back and analyze my past,
I thought I knew what faith was, strong faith, I thought I had it,
But now my heart and soul grows weary cause I don't feel that.
I had no concept, I had no idea at all,
I was taught from a young age that if I had faith as small
As a mustard seed, that was enough, you'd answer my call,
But my mustard seed seems like it's gotten lost, or has just fallen
On the floor. like I do every day, since right now I can't walk,
I have to type these words, can't get them out if I just try to talk.
My mind's been taken over, I know I'm saved by You but I feel lost.
I begging you hard as I can, Lord, please come and heal this heart.



Hook:
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord.
And if it's not time to deliver me stay with me, Lord.
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord,
'Cause everything's coming hard and fast and it's hurtin' me, Lord


Copyright Becca Doss, 2015
________


Please, brothers and sisters, when you're able, lift others up even if you don't know their situation. There are times when we all feel too weak to do it ourselves and need help, but that's why we're called a body of believers--one body, one family of children of THE one and only Ultimate Physician and Almighty God who has paid the price for our healing ~2000 years ago. And if you ever are in need of prayer, please don't feel like you have to hide and pretend things are okay--there is no shame in asking others for prayer support because He tells us plainly to pray in anticipation of His answer (the right answer, even if it's not what we want), but He also implores us to ask for what we need and what we need will be given to us, it's just on His timetable, not ours.

Thank you for taking the time to read, especially if you made it all the way through. I can't post often right now, but this was very important to me and since a lot of my prayer warriors are on Facebook (and I haven't been for several months), I wanted to post it here so Rog, mom, Kat, or anyone else who would like to share it on that platform can do so.



In Christ Alone,

Becca