Hello friends,

I can't stay long today (or write much) [EDIT: I ended up writing more than I thought I would, kinda my style--sorry but not really because that's the whole point of this, rediscovering me, which includes things like "my style"] but I wanted to let you all know about a project I'm starting, most likely on instagram due to the nature of the project and channeling the person I am behind these diseases, because even though most of my functioning abilities have temporarily (a term I use loosely because this journey is not a short one) been taken away BY this disease, this disease, along with all the others, mental and physical, do not define who I am. Thankfully, my personal Instagram links directly to my @Lymeislame Twitter account, so all of you who follow me on there will be able to see the posts as long as I remember to share them! :-) Hopefully I'll find a way to link at least some of them on here, but it's not necessarily an every day thing (more below).

The project is titled the same as the title for this post, and here's the gist of it:

There are so many parts of ourselves that we can lose sight of when battling a chronic illness, be it chronic Lyme and co-infections, cancer, or any other chronic, long-term illness, and when we lose sight of those parts of ourselves, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you ARE your illness. I'm here to tell you today that you are NOT your illness--your illness does NOT define you--and it's of the utmost importance to remind ourselves of the things that make up who we are behind the mask of chronic illness.

We all have our own special passions, gifts, experiences, likes/dislikes, personalities, and so much more that it'd be ridiculous to believe that this disease is all we have, even when it's hard to see otherwise while we fight in the trenches. I want to start this project before November, because you know as soon as November hits, everyone will be doing the ever-so-popular in the social media age "30 days of thankfulness," and I think that's a good idea, with good intentions behind it, but sometimes I get frustrated with it because acknowledging that for which we are thankful is a practice we should be engaging in every day, not on social media, per se, at least not necessarily, but just as we go throughout our every day lives, even in the not-so-good days.

Also, the 30 days of thankfulness seems, to me, like it puts undue pressure on whomever participates, making them feel like they HAVE to post a status or picture every day for 30 days, and feeling that obligation can lead to dreading the next day because an token of thankfulness must be posted, bottom line, no getting out of it, every single day for 30 days or else you're a failure at the complete 30 days of thankfulnessd oh my gosh what worse embarrassment is there in this day and age than proclaiming you're taking part in a social media daily challenge and forgetting just one day, therefore failing the challenge. (Sorry about that, I get a little revved up when I'm talking about how social media, specifically the Facebook Facade Ph(F)enomenon, makes us feel like we are less than, not enough, not [insert quality here] enough, and just generally screws with our mental state.)

The ways in which my challenge is different than a set-number-of-days challenge:

Guidelines for the "I'm still me" challenge

1. I'm not setting a definitive number goal for the pictures/things I share that showcase the real me, which means I have far less pressure to find "enough" things to share if I'm not feeling up to it.
   
2. This is not a daily challenge. It may be considered a "days of Becca" challenge, but I'm not going to allow myself to feel pressured to post daily, because I want to post things that truly fit the spirit of the challenge and I may not have that every day. This is a huge step for me--being realistic and not letting my perfectionist, type-AAA personality beat me up if I go an entire week or two without sharing.
3. This challenge is ongoing. I have no end date in mind. Basically, whenever something strikes me as fitting to share, it'll happen.
4. This is kind of a twist on thankfulness because the things I will be sharing will most likely be things I'm unable to do/have/participate in, etc. right now, but the thankfulness comes in acknowledging they are all parts of what makes me ME, and that's a special kind of thankfulness, a reminder we could all use from time to time.

I initially thought I'd have more guidelines for the project, but that seems to be it for now. If I think of any additional stipulations later, I'll add them in an edit, but my goal is to not feel constrained by guidelines and stipulations (a challenge for someone who requires order, directions, careful attention to detail, and step-by-step planning to just maintain some semblance of mind-at-ease homeostasis, but that's another reason this is called a challenge--what's the challenge if I know exactly how, where, when, what I'll be able to include in my posts?).

The hashtag to follow on Twitter and Instagram will probably be #ImStillMe or #ImStillBecca, I haven't decided which yet, so I'll probably use both for a while until I make up my mind. My hope is that this may inspire others to do something similar, so #ImStillMe is a more open-ended tag anyone and everyone could use, which means that's likely the tag I'll choose, but for now it's still up in the air.

Happy Back to the Future Day, friends! You don't have to be running on all cylinders--errr, I mean, you don't have to have the flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts to rediscover your passions and what is unique and special about the person inside your body. Because you are not a body, however broken your body may feel...you HAVE a body, but you ARE a soul. Never forget that very important difference.

If you're able to enjoy and celebrate today in any way for any reason, please do so, and if you're not, know that you're not alone and one day you will once again be able to enjoy and celebrate the things that make you YOU.

God bless,

Becca

Post-script: (I just like typing out "post-script")

Post-post-script: The starting date for this challenge is still TBD (um, that's "to be determined," not "tick-borne diseases"), but most likely will be kicking off in some fashion in the next few days, so keep an eye out. I did out my personal Instagram name on here because I use that account for more personal "normal" things (as well as Lyme-related things in the mix), but it's a protected account, so if we're not connected on there already, I apologize, but you can always check out the challenge on Twitter by following my account (should be a button on this page that makes it easy) or just searching the above hashtags.

(Apologies for any typos--please use context to try to figure them out--I don't have the brain power to proofread right now)

I know I've mentioned several times throughout all my posts how draining social media is for me, as well as for anyone who is in a situation where their life has been put on pause and they have no choice but to sit back, watch it go by, and watch others do the things we "should" be able to do, go where we "should" be able to go, attend ecents we "should" be able to attend (I say "should" I'm quotation marks because I hate that word--God's plan doesn't include shoulds, and as hard as it is to always keep in mind His plan is perfect, right, and immutable--and I think the word 'should' would better be eliminated from the English lexicon--it does nothing but instill feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy.).

When fighting a battle with chronic illness/being bedridden or housebound, living in a state of constant pain of all kinds, yet having nothing available that is effective in treating pain or that is compatible with your body to treat aforementioned pain, it's very easy to lose sight of the perfectness of God's plan and start to doubt, no matter how strong you thought your faith was.


The pain scale of someone with a chronic illness/chronic lyme&co-infections, or any form of chronic pain is so drastically different than someone not enduring the above--for instance, my pain may be at a 5 or 6 on my personal 1-10 pain scale, whereas someone not used to pain would probably say "11" when asked the "Can you rate your pain on a scale of 1-10" question...I know this because I've experienced my pain threshold and how much higher it's gotten before I first started dealing with pain).


I wrote that above paragraph to illustrate this point: physical pain varies from person to person, but is always present in those that are fighting it. Sometimes it may be at a "4" on a chronic pain scale, which means possibly being able to shower, smile, act like things are okay despite the pain, some days it's closer to an 8 or 9 (aka debilitating, dark bedroom, in bed, covers over head, unable to move, eat, drink, get to the bathroom yourself, and more), but I doubt you'll ever hear someone who lives with chronic pain say their pain is a 10 because we've learned to live with pain, and many of us can probably pinpoint one specific moment/type of pain we'd consider a 10, so if our pain on any given day isn't that severe, a 10 will not be the answer.


Without making this excessively long (losing steam as I write, too), I wanted to quickly shed light on what it's like to live in my body/brain right now, because I feel like everyone sees me post things that are uplifting (which is q good thing), but no one has any idea what's truly going on beneath the surface. I don't have much energy to compose any new material for this blog post, but I do want to quickly say that God has made is abundantly clear to me that when I am well enough to record, part of my ministry and witness MUST be Christian Hip-Hop. He clearly told me it's not an option, this is something I HAVE to do for Him, not a human desire/want, and I don't care if it ever brings me any glory or financial gain, because it's not something that will be for me, it's ALL for Him, sharing His name and message with whomever will listen. And I know this is one of my callings down the road--He gives me a random 15-minute period where I'm able to type lyrics on my phone that remind me this is something I simply have to do, even as a white girl from eastern Kentucky.


Even on the days when I lie in bed screaming at Him in frustration, asking Him why He's left us when He promised He never would, pleading with Him to either take my pain away or just take me home to live with Him because I'm not strong enough for this, and these days are currently more common than I'd like to admit--these things happen typically at least once a day, sometimes the day is filled with tears and anger and doubt--I told my family I'm no Job. I thought I had strong faith, but I feel like one of Job's friends, doubting instead of clinging to my faith, because right now faith and healing seem like foreign concepts, never to be attained, even though I know better in my heart).


So at the risk of "losing face," I'd much rather share my truth with you and ask you for prayer--not prayer from pain (physical or emotional), but I'm calling on my brothers and sisters in Christ--please pray for my faith to be restored, to be strengthened, to such a degree that my first reaction is to praise Him even in the middle of the worst of the pains I face. Right now I am too broken, too worn, too weak to even pray, so please, family, I covet your specific prayers more than ever. For my faith and Roger's (this is all harder on him than he ever lets on and than you could ever imagine unless you've been through it), and for God to fill our house with His peace and strength because we can't do this on our own.


I want to leave you with lyrics of a track that's going to be on my first project (tentative project title: Made From My Bed Mixtape). I haven't recorded this but it explains the struggles I've been having with faith and it's all explained in the lyrics, which is good because that just requires a copy/paste instead of using energy to type even more.

Tentative title: (Un)yielding Faith)


Verse 1:
Lord, I need you right now in this room, I'm feeling so low.
I feel like this journey is a mission I'm doing solo.
I'd love to say on a scale from 1-10 my faith is off
The charts. But honestly in times like these it feels like it's at zero.
I'm out of gas, out of fuel, out of energy to fight.
My family's tired of feeling they can't do anything right.
But they do more for me than in these lines I could ever write,
I'm relying on them and others to lift me up tonight.
Because this heart of mine is too worn down to even pray,
My broken body's making me say things I thought I'd never say.
So Lord, if today's not the day I'm meant to see your face,
Please send me any sign that everything will be okay.



Hook:
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord.
And if it's not time to deliver me stay with me, Lord.
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord,
'Cause everything's coming hard and fast and it's hurtin' me, Lord


Verse 2:
Lord my faith is fading, and it is fading fast,
When I take the time to look back and analyze my past,
I thought I knew what faith was, strong faith, I thought I had it,
But now my heart and soul grows weary cause I don't feel that.
I had no concept, I had no idea at all,
I was taught from a young age that if I had faith as small
As a mustard seed, that was enough, you'd answer my call,
But my mustard seed seems like it's gotten lost, or has just fallen
On the floor. like I do every day, since right now I can't walk,
I have to type these words, can't get them out if I just try to talk.
My mind's been taken over, I know I'm saved by You but I feel lost.
I begging you hard as I can, Lord, please come and heal this heart.



Hook:
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord.
And if it's not time to deliver me stay with me, Lord.
Quickly Lord, I need you quickly, Lord,
'Cause everything's coming hard and fast and it's hurtin' me, Lord


Copyright Becca Doss, 2015
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Please, brothers and sisters, when you're able, lift others up even if you don't know their situation. There are times when we all feel too weak to do it ourselves and need help, but that's why we're called a body of believers--one body, one family of children of THE one and only Ultimate Physician and Almighty God who has paid the price for our healing ~2000 years ago. And if you ever are in need of prayer, please don't feel like you have to hide and pretend things are okay--there is no shame in asking others for prayer support because He tells us plainly to pray in anticipation of His answer (the right answer, even if it's not what we want), but He also implores us to ask for what we need and what we need will be given to us, it's just on His timetable, not ours.

Thank you for taking the time to read, especially if you made it all the way through. I can't post often right now, but this was very important to me and since a lot of my prayer warriors are on Facebook (and I haven't been for several months), I wanted to post it here so Rog, mom, Kat, or anyone else who would like to share it on that platform can do so.



In Christ Alone,

Becca